It's been eleven days.
Eleven wonderful days since I became Mrs. C!
And yet, only a couple days...err...hours since I was questioning my self-worth once again.
You know what I'm talking about, ladies. No matter how secure or self-confident we like to think we are, somewhere, deep down, hidden where none of us like to look, is doubt. An insecurity or two. Something that makes us suddenly stop in our tracks and say things like: "I'm a failure," or "I can't do anything right."
When things are going well we start to think that it's too good to be true. We feel we are too horrible to have anything good happen to us.
Where do we get these ideas? How do we women and girls learn from a very early age to question their self-worth?
We learn to dislike almost everything about ourselves and either withdraw from the world or set out to become the most popular girl, no matter the consequences. There are some that fall in between those extremes however...
I didn't withdraw myself completely from the world. Most people who know me would have a hard time believing that I am anything but the facade I have mastered over my twenty-something years of life. Most days, I'm not putting on the smile, the warm friendliness, the genuine me. I really do care about my friends, love my family, and adore my new hubby.
But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I say something wrong. I don't do exactly what the boss wants.
And I spiral back into that pit that is filled with vile self-loathing, pity, and harsh self-reproach.
I see it happening and yet I can't seem to stop myself. Sometimes I sit in this metaphorical abyss for days. It's familiar, somewhat comfortable. I'm good at it - I've been doing it for years.
But recently I've realized something...
I'm not "alone" in my life journey. I have a partner. Two actually. Mr. C. And God. And they are affected by me. When I fall into the pit of negative self-worth, they actually are hurt too.
It took hubby explaining it to me the other night for me to realize how much they are invested in me. In this partnership.
He asked me how much I was worth to him.
I whispered, "You say 'everything'."
He nodded and then asked, "Where's the proof?"
I looked at him puzzled for a minute, but understood when he raised his hand.
"This ring is your proof of what you're worth to me," he said gently.
He went on to question how much I thought I was worth to God.
"Everything?"
"Yes, and where's the proof?"
I couldn't think of the answer.
Softly he told me, "In Jesus' hands - the nail prints."
I cried.
Ladies, we are constantly being told how much we're worth based on society's scale. We're too fat, too short, too dumb, too frumpy, too poor, too this, too that.
It's about time to realize that we're too WORTHY to beat ourselves up or put ourselves down anymore! It's not going to happen overnight. We're going to trip and fall into that abyss over and over again.
But we can get out.
I am a mess. I don't have my life together. I make mistakes.
But I have a circle of family and friends that care about me.
I have a wonderful husband that loves me.
I have a God Who sent His Son to die for me.
I'm a beautiful mess.
I am God's masterpiece and He ain't finished yet!
