Well...That Got Deep Real Quick...

 

Right now?

Right now I'm sitting in the dark, in the recliner in our bedroom, wishing this headache and the anxiety that's causing it would go away.

Yes, I said the "a" word...

Anxiety.

I've been treated for depression and anxiety since I first filled out the postpartum questionnaire almost 4 years ago now. And that's only because my husband looked at me in the exam room, holding our newborn daughter, and kindly said, "be honest filling that out, it's nothing to be ashamed of to need meds."

And he was right. I don't know why it took me 33 years to realize that I needed help.

So why does the anxiety rein tonight? Er well I guess it's morning now - 4 a.m.

Because I'm not sure what the end of this pregnancy looks like for Ya-Ya (so dubbed by Clara from the beginning) and me.

Most children are outside the box, and so are most pregnancies. Not one truly the same.

#1 - "morning sickness" was in the evening and I could go to bed most nights and sleep it off

#2 - All. Day. Nausea. Every. Day. from about 3 months to I don't honestly remember when it got better...maybe 6 months??

#1 - head down pretty much since 20 weeks scan until delivery

#2 - flipping, flipping, flip flop... Currently breech.

Health-wise I'm exactly the same with both:

• no gestational diabetes

• bp normal every visit

• Healthy baby, healthy mom

Yesterday I went into my weekly OB appointment (37 wks 2 days) and saw a doc that I only saw once with Clara, and from my recollection, I didn't like what she told me then either.

At my next to last appointment with Clara, I was told by this doctor that I would be induced, no questions asked, no options given, if I went 1 day past my due date.

Reason?

BMI -body mass index

The stupidest measurement on planet earth.

I have been "overweight" since puberty. It's in the genes. Yes there have been poor choices on my end over the years, but slowly I am coming to terms with all that. Since having children, I have really stepped back and realized that all the self hate was not only detrimental to my physical health, but my mental health as well. With therapy, a wonderful supportive husband by my side, and seeing myself through my child's eyes, I can now accept who I am, inside and out.

But I digress.

Once again, yesterday, did this doctor care that I was a healthy, 35 year old woman, with normal stats and having not her first but her second robust child? (This girl moves all the time lol some days I wish I could see what exactly is going on in there haha)

No.

She saw my weight and immediately told me that because of that, I would *not* be allowed to go beyond 39 wks, and I was looking at induction if they are successful in turning her, or cesarean delivery if she stays or returns to breech.

Am I against either of those births?

Heck no.

Do I feel unheard and talked *at* and seen as a statistic instead of a human being.

Yes.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 12, I go to UVM Medical Center for an ECV - external cephalic version. Basically my doc (the one that started the labor journey with Clara and I almost 4 years ago) will put her hands on my belly and literally turn Ya-Ya into a head down position.

And you better believe that I will be talking to her about what I was told yesterday, and seeing what my true options are.

Has she ever discussed my weight? Of course, that's part of their job. But she talks things through with me, and told me I'm a different body type so of course I won't have a by-the-book pregnancy. But that it was OKAY! And that she saw me and my efforts to be healthy, and that I was doing a good job.

And that's the stance of the rest of my docs and midwife at the practice. I'm not letting one bad apple spoil my experience there. However by the end of this pregnancy I will have gained more skills in standing up for and advocating for myself and my body.

So back to the anxiety...

I don't know what the future holds... I don't know how this will all end...

And while it's really, really, really difficult for this woman to let go of stress and not worry (that's in the genes too) - I'm trying to remember to take one day at a time.

In the end, all that matters is safe delivery and healthy mom and baby.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk 😆👍🙏

Our Home

 Hubby and I have been talking about having a home to call our own someday. We've been saving for a down payment from the time we got married.

However, that dream was always off in the distance; we figured it would be our long-term goal. Why rush into adulting? Haha We had a good place to live, Clara was close to family, and we weren't going to buy a home in Vermont anyway. Too expensive.

Well, that all changed late this summer. We got in touch with Heather Morse at Greentree Real Estate and asked her what the process was to look at homes in the area. She guided us through, we got a pre-qualifying letter from the bank, and Heather started looking for just the right house for us.

We had a whole list of things we wanted in a location, a home, land, etc. We were limited by the loan amount, but Heather assured us that the right house would come along; we just had to be patient.

We looked at a duplex; not the right fit. Looked at a house that would have been great, but it needed too much work for the asking price.

All of the listings that seemed perfect, weren't.

Friends of ours even offered us first dibs on buying their home, but that didn't work out either.

I was getting very discouraged. Once I had accepted the idea of moving off the farm and gotten excited about the prospect of having our own place, I was upset that God seemed to be closing all the doors. 

We continued with the loan process. Oh the paperwork! Hubby was working long days and extra days at his dispatch/EMT job so I was in charge of copying and scanning and emailing everything. Just when I thought they had everything they needed another request would come through.

On Wednesday, September 30th, Heather texted that she had a listing for us that had just hit, and she had taken the liberty to schedule a showing for us the next morning, was that okay?

At first I was hesitant, I had several reasons running through my thoughts why I didn't think it would be a good fit for us. But after talking it over with hubby I knew I needed to trust Heather and go see the house. Hubby was working that next day, but his mom was here visiting so she went with Clara and I to see the house.

As we parked in the driveway, my mom-in-law exclaimed, "Karen, this is cute!"

I agreed. We walked around outside waiting for Heather as we were early. It had a bigger yard than I thought, and mostly out back, so with a fence it would work well for Clara. The garage/barn was cute. The neighboring businesses were closer than I'm used to and right on 22A (a main throughway in Vermont), but it was still relatively quiet, even with traffic whizzing by.

When Heather arrived we stepped inside and I knew.

Did it tick all the boxes on my list? Nope.

Was it the right house for us? I sure thought so.

I called Hubby as soon as I could. Do we put in an offer?! Are we ready for this?! Yes.

We were the first people to see the house after being listed. I don't know how many offers they got besides ours, but they picked us!!!

And then the roller coaster began.

I will spare you the extremely long story, all the gory details; but just know that if you haven't had the privilege of acquiring a loan during current times, you're missing out. (total sarcasm right there LOL) There were several times that we were sure we were not getting this house. Or any house for that matter.

Through it all, Heather fought to keep the process moving forward as much as she could and encouraged us along the way. If you need a realtor, PLEASE hire Heather! She's the bomb dot com!!!

When the time came to sign power of attorney with our lawyer and final loan documents with the bank, I didn't have the excitement I felt I should have had. Hubby and several others assured me that I was okay feeling those feelings. My emotions had taken lots of hits over the last several weeks; no wonder I didn't feel that this was really happening.

Friday, December 4th, all of the documents had our signatures and our lawyer had the cashier's check. Closing was set for Monday. Hubby looked at me as Sabbath began and commented, "it's as good as ours now." I sighed and responded, "I hope so."

I walked in Monday morning, holding our key, and a weight dropped off my shoulders.

Abba whispered in my ear Welcome to your home, My daughter. You deserve good things.

Crows Feet and Tiger Stripes

The other day I was told by a well-meaning friend, "You have a lot of lines under your eyes; you look awful!" I laughed and said, "It's called parenthood - I earned these crow's feet!" I pulled up my shirt to expose my soggy tummy and pointed at the stretch marks - "And these are my tiger stripes!"

After having a baby, a lot of women buy into the whole "you gotta get your body back" misconception...

You don't "lose" your body with pregnancy, it simply changes. But those changes mean you brought a human being into this world.

Why are we so eager to get back into our pre-baby clothes? Have you tried maternity leggings???!!! Why would you not wear them always?! Lol

So mommas, wear those "unsightly" marks of motherhood with pride! You birthed a human. You grew a life. You may not be sleeping as well as you did pre-kids, but those smiles and giggles make the lost sleep bearable, don't they?

...well yes, a few more minutes of sleep would be nice.

We can't go back to life before; and motherhood is hard, really really hard... but if you stop to think about it, would you honestly want to do life without these munchkins? ❤

Clara Rae - One Month On the Outside

 

I am 2 weeks old! 👶

"Current Family Favorite" 😍

Momma says that I have to slow down, I'm growing up too fast. Went to the doctor today for my checkup - I have gained a whole inch in length & now weigh 9 lbs 13.5 oz! 📉

I am staying awake more often now in between eating & sleeping. I look around & "talk" a little. I smile sometimes, but Daddy says it's just gas. 😂

This week I had some firsts - went to the fair, went to the calf barn, & went to anther dairy farm for a tour. 🐄🐮

1 month 👶

Momma & Daddy can't believe it's already been a whole 4 weeks since they met me! ❤😍

This week we went to Wells Beach to spend a few days making memories at my great-great-aunt's cottage. 🐚🦀

As a youngster, Momma used to come up here with her family on their 36-hour vacations from the farm. 🐄🐮

I don't like laying down much; I much prefer to sit up (assisted of course) & look around at this fascinating world.

I am totally a momma's-girl...I hear my momma or see her & I stare at her until she takes me into her arms. 😍 I like Daddy too, but he doesn't have food. 😜

I love to smile & coo. 😊 The sound of ocean waves puts me to sleep. 🌊 I like to wriggle & move, workout my leg & neck muscles, & play with my tongue. 😝💪

Little Firefighter

Daddy/Daughter Newborn Firehouse Shoot

taken by Momma, Red Tractor Studio Photography

Welcome to The World, Clara Rae!

It took me a while to get this written down. Not because it was difficult to write the story, but because I have been caring for and enjoying our little girl. Motherhood is the best. But it's hard. Really hard. But more on that in another post. 😉

- - - - - - - - - -

If you have been following along, you know that my due date was the 18th and that I thought labor would never begin. I was ready to be done with pregnancy and meet our little man or lady.

I went in for a checkup and they found that I was a few cm dilated and baby was in position, but I wasn't on the verge of labor as far as they could tell. Could start any time, could be days still.

The next checkup was scheduled for Friday, July 27th, when they would check fluid levels and baby's stats. Depending on what they found, possible induction would be discussed. That was not part of my "plan." I didn't have a birth plan written down; I knew that labor and delivery is different for every mom and that I needed to be prepared for anything. But I did have a plan in my head. We started praying specifically that I would naturally go into labor and not have to be induced.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

A contraction woke me up at 3 a.m. to visit the toilet.

I would not go back to sleep for over 24 hours.

I spent the day at home in varying positions, trying to help things along and stay as comfortable as I could in active labor. Haha

I think Paul was more nervous about the experience than I was... Sure, I had thoughts of, what if we don't make it to the hospital in time? and should I go get checked just to get sent home? But overall, I figured that my body and L&D would tell me when we should go.

As he walked out the door for afternoon chores, Paul made me promise to call him with as much notice as I could when we needed to leave. I kept him in the loop all during chores how things were on my end and what L&D was suggesting. Finally I took a shower to help my body and mind relax, then I got dressed and got my bag ready by the door.

Paul flew through the last of feeding calves and grabbed a quick shower before we headed out the door at 6 p.m. My water broke as I stood to walk out the door. Perfect timing or what?!

The ride to the hospital was rough. I thought I was going to have the baby there in the car. Thankfully we made it to UVM Medical Center and proceeded to check-in, I opted for the wheelchair and clung to Paul's arm as they took me upstairs. I had my eyes closed the whole time concentrating on breathing through the contractions that were close and quite strong; so I don't know how many people saw the moaning lady in the chair go by, and that's ok haha

After they got me in the room they started taking vitals and said that while I was in active labor, I still wasn't dilated too much so it would be a while still. I concentrated on trying to get in a comfortable position in between contractions, and then growling my way through them. I sat in the shower but the water was only tepid and didn't help ease anything. They had to give me IV fluids because I was so dehydrated (even though I had been slugging the water most of the day). After being stabbed more times than I want to think about, the IV team dude got it in and I sighed with relief. I am a hard stick to say the least; combine that with labor and I may have been a testy grizzly a couple times.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

In the wee hours of the morning, I knew that I was getting past the point of exhaustion. If I didn't get some rest soon, I wouldn't have enough strength to push when the time came.
(Remember, I haven't slept since 3 o'clock yesterday morning.)

After a short conversation with Paul and mom-in-law in between strong and steady contractions, I signed the papers and sat trembling on the edge of the bed to receive the epidural. Sitting completely still while in active excruciating labor is no easy task. But I made it through and when the drugs hit I was finally able to rest. I could still feel when contractions hit, but they were duller and manageable. After 24 hours, sleep felt glorious.

The rest of the time is pretty much a blur of nurses checking me, doctor in and out, Paul getting me ice chips and Popsicles...

Because of the epidural and the mostly loss of sensation in my legs, I was not allowed out of bed, but I switched sides and used the peanut ball to progress labor along.

Finally, about 3 or 3:30 in the afternoon I buzzed the nurse and told her she needed to call the doc, I needed to push. She smiled and gently patted my arm, "I'll have her come check you hun." When Doctor Lowell walked in she said, "I hear you want to push." I nodded and told her I felt ready. She checked and got the team into gear - we were ready to have this baby!

4:08 p.m., Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Our daughter, Clara Rae entered the world hungry, healthy, and taking everything in with her big beautiful steel grey-ish blue eyes.

To say that I was in-love is an understatement that only other mommas understand.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone

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