Well...That Got Deep Real Quick...

 

Right now?

Right now I'm sitting in the dark, in the recliner in our bedroom, wishing this headache and the anxiety that's causing it would go away.

Yes, I said the "a" word...

Anxiety.

I've been treated for depression and anxiety since I first filled out the postpartum questionnaire almost 4 years ago now. And that's only because my husband looked at me in the exam room, holding our newborn daughter, and kindly said, "be honest filling that out, it's nothing to be ashamed of to need meds."

And he was right. I don't know why it took me 33 years to realize that I needed help.

So why does the anxiety rein tonight? Er well I guess it's morning now - 4 a.m.

Because I'm not sure what the end of this pregnancy looks like for Ya-Ya (so dubbed by Clara from the beginning) and me.

Most children are outside the box, and so are most pregnancies. Not one truly the same.

#1 - "morning sickness" was in the evening and I could go to bed most nights and sleep it off

#2 - All. Day. Nausea. Every. Day. from about 3 months to I don't honestly remember when it got better...maybe 6 months??

#1 - head down pretty much since 20 weeks scan until delivery

#2 - flipping, flipping, flip flop... Currently breech.

Health-wise I'm exactly the same with both:

• no gestational diabetes

• bp normal every visit

• Healthy baby, healthy mom

Yesterday I went into my weekly OB appointment (37 wks 2 days) and saw a doc that I only saw once with Clara, and from my recollection, I didn't like what she told me then either.

At my next to last appointment with Clara, I was told by this doctor that I would be induced, no questions asked, no options given, if I went 1 day past my due date.

Reason?

BMI -body mass index

The stupidest measurement on planet earth.

I have been "overweight" since puberty. It's in the genes. Yes there have been poor choices on my end over the years, but slowly I am coming to terms with all that. Since having children, I have really stepped back and realized that all the self hate was not only detrimental to my physical health, but my mental health as well. With therapy, a wonderful supportive husband by my side, and seeing myself through my child's eyes, I can now accept who I am, inside and out.

But I digress.

Once again, yesterday, did this doctor care that I was a healthy, 35 year old woman, with normal stats and having not her first but her second robust child? (This girl moves all the time lol some days I wish I could see what exactly is going on in there haha)

No.

She saw my weight and immediately told me that because of that, I would *not* be allowed to go beyond 39 wks, and I was looking at induction if they are successful in turning her, or cesarean delivery if she stays or returns to breech.

Am I against either of those births?

Heck no.

Do I feel unheard and talked *at* and seen as a statistic instead of a human being.

Yes.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 12, I go to UVM Medical Center for an ECV - external cephalic version. Basically my doc (the one that started the labor journey with Clara and I almost 4 years ago) will put her hands on my belly and literally turn Ya-Ya into a head down position.

And you better believe that I will be talking to her about what I was told yesterday, and seeing what my true options are.

Has she ever discussed my weight? Of course, that's part of their job. But she talks things through with me, and told me I'm a different body type so of course I won't have a by-the-book pregnancy. But that it was OKAY! And that she saw me and my efforts to be healthy, and that I was doing a good job.

And that's the stance of the rest of my docs and midwife at the practice. I'm not letting one bad apple spoil my experience there. However by the end of this pregnancy I will have gained more skills in standing up for and advocating for myself and my body.

So back to the anxiety...

I don't know what the future holds... I don't know how this will all end...

And while it's really, really, really difficult for this woman to let go of stress and not worry (that's in the genes too) - I'm trying to remember to take one day at a time.

In the end, all that matters is safe delivery and healthy mom and baby.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk 😆👍🙏